Staten Island Chuck Up

It takes, in my humble opinion, brass balls to go to the beach in Staten Island. In fact, it takes brass balls to go to the beach anywhere in New York Harbour, which is why the only places with beaches either don't allow paddling or are on Staten Island.

I shall not bore you by recapping my experience with the non-beach that is in fact a strip of slime encrusted rock called Tottenville Beach. All you need to know is don't go there, unless you have a car and an abiding love of insects.

[That said, Tottenville's Conference House Park includes the site of abortive peace talks between the the brave, noble, honest and courageous British generals and the weaselly traitor Americans. These started, uncomfortably enough, on September 11 1776, and went nowhere.]

No, Tottenville "Beach" exists to make the island's other beaches, Midland and South Beach, look good. Why would they require such assistance? Maybe because the damn places are riddled with needles. Follow the link in the preceding sentence and you will find the Parks Department stressing how rare the incident is, and how unlikely the risk of infection is.

To the second I say, maybe, and to the first, nonsense. An acquaintance of mine that grew up in Midwood says that the beaches of Staten Island are famous for their spiky treats. That said, this acquaintance says that NATO is a vile cabal whose main interest lies in subjugating the proud Serb nation, so there's your balance for you.

Staten Island's beaches exist to make Coney Island look luxurious. The residents of that fair Borough largely decamp to Sandy Hook in search of brisk sea action. Those of Brooklyn go to Long Beach or he various bits of Fire Island, maybe Rockaway if wheels are on hand. Waves are fun. you jump them, you surf them, they clear the crap off the beach. You don't get them in a harbour. Which is why you get ships there.

Right, hating done.