One For The Hamster Cage

Not our first choice for a headline, to be honest, that was the last post. In fact we'd intended to handle the subject matter herein during the last installment, but got sort of distracted by hipster morons. So, put the last headline mentally over this one.

We managed to get a chance to share some of Cutesome's Commute (great song title!) this morning, and were so rapt that we did not notice the new paper being handed out at the Bergen Street stop. We are not huge fans of free papers, and like the fake ones even less. But Cutesome grabbed one, and is was while we were leeringpeering over their shoulder that our personal and professional interest was piqued. For Lo, in front of us was this miraculous object. A fake, pro-stadium, pro-Ratner newspaper!

We shall link but once more to the accursed object here.

Now, perusing the rotten thing, we have found very few completely honest statements so far, although there is the barest wisp of an acknowledgement that the thing is fake:

"We are not trying to compete with daily, weekly or local papers. Our goal is simple: to share information about Atlantic Yards with the people of Brooklyn and to create an even greater dialogue as we go forward."

We also learn that Ratner's crew is not content to rob the corpses of the '55 Dodgers, and has named this execrable freesheet after a paper where Walt Whitman was once published. Charming. We would love for there to be at some point in the 16 pages either some entertainment, or, failing that, some information. Instead, and we must congratulate Mr. R for this feat, there is neither.

What do we get? Several pages of adverts for Ratner tenants or organisations to which he donates, interspersed with fake "lifestyle" features (which do indeed make Metro's drivel look like poetry), bogus news stories, and puff editorials. Lots of puff editorials. Frank Macchiarola, Marty Golden, Herb Daughtry, and Ratner himself. Then there are the readers' letters from Mayor Mike ("I look forward to reading about this project my deputy foisted on your neighborhood") and State Senator Martin Malave Dilan ("I'll be looking to the Brooklyn Standard to help fill me in. Beats proper research, right, kids?").

Have we missed anyone here? Oh, do excuse us. Yes, that comical shill Marty Markowitz did indeed get a half page to ramble on incoherently about the sprawling bunch of vanity projects with which he wishes to scar the borough of his birth. We'd missed his performance on NY1 this morning, where, according to our dear Cutesome, he managed to grin fatuously and encourage last night's concertgoers in Prospect Park to drink themselves silly (we'll remember that, you hypocritical old fool). We're glad to know he's on such fine form.

Now we're feeling a tad guilty right now, since as part of an epic three-part furniture-staining operation we boosted a large quantity of the admirably tenacious Brooklyn Papers as protection. Still in future, we have the perfect substitute. That's right Brucey, for once you can help clean up OUR mess.

[UPDATE. Oooops. Apparently the newspaper has been circulating for a few weeks now, a fact we only discovered after sending the news to the mighty No Land Grab. Credit to Curbed for noting this, at a time when we were still in exile]

[SUPER DOUBLE SECRET UPDATE: Damn you're a moron, Gringcorp. This is from the Daily News. This is from the NY Sun, and this is what you get for being deported and then compounding your ignorance by dispensing with google and assuming that the best place to debut a propaganda rag would be the corner of Bergen and Flatbush at 8.30 am on a Thursday]