Doctor Marten's Boots

I'm a bit late to this, but I just got round to finding out the Siren festival line-up. Not from the official site, but from brooklynvegan. Top stuff. Siren, should you be foreign, is the Village Voice-organised free festival down in Coney Island - a chance to get plastered and sunburnt.

Here are Gari's picks for the day's entertainment, done in a considerably more earnest style than Miguel did last year.

The first thing to remember is that there are two stages and that in theory the sets are staggered so you can catch all the bands. In practice it's too far and too crowded to get between the two. But that shouldn't stop you from trying, not least because Misshapes are DJing between sets, and I'm sure you'd rather grab a beer or a rollercoaster ride or sunstroke than be anywhere near THAT cultural trainwreck.

As I mentioned elsewhere last year, Stillwell, the second stage, is a little more fun, and where you're more likely to get a jump on next year's aural dreck. Exhibit A: Morningwood last year (quick aside there, the nifty graphics on the band's homepage are utterly ruined by the transparent use of such cultural signifiers as the Village Voice and Serge Gainsbourgh covers artfully littered around the bedroom).

True to form, the official Gumby Fresh top pick is Priestess, Canadian stoner rock, on the Stillwell Stage at 1.30pm July 15. Their set will feature heaviosity, and if they work out how to do it in the open air on a blisteringly hot day they will charm utterly. They're up against official openers deadboy and the elephantmen, who seem a little boring.

The midafternoon brings us Man Man (bizarre antidiluvian pop, with extra violin, nice), the Rogers Sisters (me likey), Dirty on Purpose (much more polite than their name might suggest), and Celebration, who may indeed want to be Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Tapes N Tapes and Sereena Maneesh are far from absorbing critical favourites that we have whined about extensively previously, and are loath to link to again. Time for a union-mandated Nathan's break. The Cribs are more evil than The Stills. We shall make them viceroy.

Art Brut, like 80% of the day's line-up, see no shame in sounding like a band that could have been booked to play on the Young Ones. They're the only ones that are right. You hear that, She Wants Revenge? No one likes you. You sound like Alexei Sayle's fake Trotskyite band.

The Stars look intriguing, and were I to be oiled enough might work splendidly. You'd need to pay me to watch Scissor Sisters, and judging from the thought I've put into this little run-down that's hardly likely is it?